GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL

On the morning of Thursday March 25th, I started bleeding... again. My heart sank. How could this be happening again? I tried to think positively, knowing that many women experience bleeding in their first trimester and go on to have healthy babies, but deep down, I was bracing myself for more bad news. I called the doctor's office immediately and they scheduled me for an ultrasound at 12:30 that afternoon. John and Alexa went with me. The sonographer was the same lady that did my ultrasounds less than 7 months ago. She recognized me and was sad to see me there again. I was praying that she would have reassuring news for me. We got started and it was different this time. In September, she was silent. This time, she kept asking me questions and I knew something wasn't right. She then did a trans-vaginal ultrasound and didn't talk. When she got done she said that she wasn't supposed to tell us anything, but when I started to sit up on the table, I saw her look at John and very slightly shake her head.

We took the elevator upstairs to the doctor's office. When I finally got called back, I met and was examined by Dr. Hussein (Dr. Goodman was not there that day). After the exam, we met in her office. She told me that my cervix was closed and that my uterus was enlarged to where it should have been at 7 weeks, but no sac had been found on the ultrasounds. All the questions the sonographer had asked now made sense. She couldn't find anything. I was told to get blood work done so they could check my hormone level. I couldn't get it done that day because Michael and Briana had dentist appointments at 3pm and we still had to pick them up from school. I kept my composure until we got in the truck and Alexa couldn't see my face. She wouldn't have understood why Mommy was crying.

Friday morning, March 26th, I went and got the blood work done. Dr. Goodman called me and explained that if my hormone level was above 2,000, there was a higher chance of an ectopic (or tubal) pregnancy. If it was below 2,000, there was a good chance that it was on it's way back down to 0 and it would be labeled a miscarriage. So now I'm not sure how to feel. If it's above 2,000 then I'll probably have to have surgery to check my tubes for an ectopic pregnancy. If it's below 2,000 it doesn't explain why no sac could be found.

At 10am on Saturday the 27th, we got to church for our Easter cantata practice. About 20 minutes later, Dr. Goodman called me with my blood work results. My hormone level was right at 2,000. Of course. We discussed a few options and he said he would check back with me that afternoon to see how I felt. 20 minutes later, he called me back and said he wanted me to come to the E.R. to get my hormone level checked again. We would see if it had gone up or down and go from there. So we left church, took the kids to a friend's house and went to the E.R. They started an IV and took my blood and then we had to wait. While waiting, I told Dr. Goodman about some shoulder pain I had been having for the last 5 days. A friend had mentioned to me that shoulder pain was a sign of an ectopic pregnancy and I had looked it up on WebMD. He confirmed it, but also explained that my abdomen was not filled with blood which is usually the cause of the pain. I had nothing else that would explain the shoulder pain, but trusted in what he said. When the result finally came back, Dr. Goodman came to see us. He told me that the level had gone up to 2,600 and recommended doing a laparoscopy to check for an ectopic pregnancy. I agreed and was prepped for surgery.

When I woke up, the doctor had some interesting news for me. After searching in every place that an ectopic pregnancy could be, NO SAC WAS FOUND. I was totally confused. So was the doctor. He had also done a D&C and said he did find some tissue and sent it to pathology to see if it was placental tissue. I was sent home that night to recover.

On Friday April 2nd, I had a post-op appointment with Dr. Goodman and then went to get more blood work done. He wanted to make sure that my hormone level was going back down. I got the results the following Monday - it had gone from 2,600 down to 40. That was a huge difference, but the nurse told me that they wanted the number to be under 2. So, I went back on Friday April 9th for more blood work. On Monday, April 12th, Dr. Goodman called with my results. My hormone level was 0 and the pathology report showed that it WAS placental tissue and it was ruled a miscarriage. Why there was no sac is still a mystery to us, but God knows.

We have definitely been put through the fire so to speak these past 4 weeks. On March 12th, John was put on administrative leave based on a false accusation and on March 19th he was terminated. We were shocked. He is looking for another job but so far has not found anything. We have had our house in Tennessee on the market for nearly 3 years now and it is a burden that we want to get off our hands. And then this - my second miscarriage in less than 7 months. Sometimes I feel that this is all more than we can bear, but it is in those times of despair that I must learn to trust in God and remember that He never gives us more than He will help us bear. He has taught me many things in the last 4 weeks. I know that my devotional life and prayer life aren't what they need to be. He has shown me that, all too often, I place so many things before Him instead of putting Him first in my life. I shouldn't speculate, but maybe this is just God's way of telling me that He wants to be first in my life and that I've been neglecting Him long enough.

If you have stayed and read this long story all the way to the end, I thank you and I ask that you would pray for John and I and also Michael, Briana and Alexa. I want to thank all of our family and friends that have been praying for us and supporting us. In the week following John's job loss and the miscarriage, people in my home church visited, brought meals and gave us nearly $500 in cash. What a show of love and mercy. Thank you all!